Broken
by ThisFeelsRealToMe
Summary: Jen has surely ruined any chance of a future with Tilly after reporting her to the Priciple. Is there any chance of a reunion or are they broken for good?
1. Chapter 1

What a mess…

It wasn't supposed to happen like this. This wasn't the plan. I've only just got her back. What was I thinking? How could I be so stupid?

A million and one thoughts were buzzing through Jen's head, it was unbearable. She couldn't concentrate on a single thought, let alone gather herself enough to teach a full day at college.

She had been expelled. She, being Tilly. Just hearing her brain say that name sent an overwhelming wave of emotions surging through Jen's body. She couldn't hear anything around her, her ears were ringing so loud she was sure anyone in close proximity would notice. She could barely breathe, the lump in her throat so large it felt as if barely any breath was making it into her lungs. Her stomach hurt, her chest ached. It was as it someone was squeezing every inch of her heart and the grip wasn't letting up. And she knew that this feeling wasn't going to subside any time soon. Tears fell uncontrollably.

Jen was sat in the same position on her bed as she was when she got home from work 12hours ago. Not that she even noticed. Time had stood still. She didn't even remember coming home. Everything from yesterday was beginning to become a blur. She glanced across at her bedside clock and spotted the time change from 5.59am to 6.00am. The change was closely followed by a piercing beeping. She woke early most days. She knew that most people weren't like this, she knew early birds were a minority, but she liked this. Walking in the park at the crack of dawn, as the sun was rising, the grass still covered in undisturbed dew, the air crisp and the feeling of endless possibilities would not be the same if there had been a crowd of people around her.

The constant noise coming from her alarm brought her back to reality. It was nice for a few seconds to be lost on something other than the mess from the day before. She leaned across and turned her alarm off. Again her mind wandered to her early morning strolls. She imagined herself sat by the lake, a slight mist hanging over the silky water, the surrounding vegetation tinted with frost. And then an all familiar silhouette appearing in the distance. Even though the slight shadow caused from the surrounding trees disguised the face of the soul, she knew the figure like the back of her hand. As the silhouette moved slightly forward to reveal herself to the morning sun, the breath caught it Jens lungs, as if a cowboy with a lassoo captured it just before it managed to escape. She felt herself begin to shake, her skin felt alive, every inch could feel the cool morning air, the moisture from the lake, the ever closing gap between herself, stood fast like a sculpture, and the imposing yet slender figure of the woman before her. As the woman closed the last few feet between them, Jens eyes made contact with hers. Those piercing blue eyes, Jen was drawn to them like a moth to light. She melted into them like snow into rain. She was where she wanted to be. Nothing had ever made her feel so alive, so relaxed, so at one with herself and everything around her. Not even her art. Jen knew from a young age, that she could escape the world whenever she picked up a paint brush, a pencil and more recently her camera. But this woman that stood before her had changed her perspective of things dramatically. No longer did she want to escape the world. She wanted to embrace it, experience it, take in everything and anything, and she wanted to do it all with her. With Tilly. Her eyes wandered over the woman that stood before her. Her red hair vibrant against the white, frosty surroundings, her pale skin illuminated in the morning sun, her freckles a map that Jen recognised as home. She had a slim physique, but she wasn't weak. She oozed confidence and strength, things that had instantly attracted Jen to the redhead. Jen felt her hand unconsciously rising towards Tilly's face, she left her fingers gently brush over her cheek, her skin so supple and smooth, and it craved Jens touch. Jen noticed how the redhead leaned her head into Jen's hand, revelling in the feeling her tender touch. Jen's heart was in her mouth, she was completely lost in the moment. This perfect moment. The woman she loved more than her heart could hold, stood here, in front of her. Jen closed the gap between them; she felt Tilly's hands reaching up towards her face. The touch, as they finally made contact with Jen's skin was electric, yet comforting. They were close enough now for Jen to feel Tilly's warm breath on her face. Jen felt dizzy, their closeness scrambling any non-essential thoughts in her head. All that mattered was this moment. Her eyes began to focus on Tilly's lips, she noticed them part slightly, inviting Jen in like a roaring fire indoors on a bitter winters day. She let her eyes travel up Tilly's face and focus on the pair before her. She went to speak; all she wanted to do was declare her love for Tilly. Tell her how she had changed her, for the good, how she had opened her eyes to the world, how she couldn't imagine her life without her. But she stopped herself. It didn't feel necessary. One look from those ice blue eyes and she knew that what she wanted to say was reciprocated indefinitely. Again Jen felt her breath catch in her throat, she felt a sting in her eyes as the moment between the two of them began to overwhelm her. She leant forward, a tear escaping her eyes and she let her lips lock with the redheads in front of her. Instantly she felt a surge of energy rush throughout her whole body, every nerve synapse passing the millions of electrical signals through her at lightning speed. Her hand moved from Tilly's face and around the back of her neck, feeling the soft wispy strands of Tilly's hair, pulling the woman closer, intensifying the kiss. She felt Tilly release a small but noticeable moan as she did this, encouraging Jen to continue. The embrace was long overdue and Jen didn't want it to end. She parted her lips and let her tongue caress the lips of the woman before her. Tilly responded in much the same way, letting her tongue return the gesture.

'Jen?!'….'Jen love?!'

The perfect moment Jen had been revelling in, came crashing down around her quicker than she had thought is up, as she again heard the scouse accent from the other side of her bedroom door.

'Jen, we're off, are you coming?'

Jen came too quickly and again glanced at her clock. 8:15am. Once more, time had passed without her barely noticing. She couldn't move, she couldn't speak. She didn't want to move, she didn't want to speak. Reality was unbearable; a life without Tilly was not something she had ever imagined. But this was her reality now. They were over. Over. That word hit Jen like a forceful blow to the face. She felt winded.

'Jen, I'm coming in.'

Jen noticed her door open; Diane poked her head round and looked at Jen with a slightly frustrated look on her face. Her eyebrows creased into a frown.

'Come on love, you're going to be late. Are you ok?' There was a slight pause as Diane took in the sight before her. 'You don't look too good Jen' Diane noted, her frown easing, as she realised Jen looked out of sorts. She felt shocked as she noticed tear stains on Jens cheeks and her pale complexion.

Jen went to speak but she couldn't. Diane noticing this, entered the room and went to sit down next to Jen on the bed.

'Love what is it?' Diane asked, her voice laced with worry and apprehension.

Jen felt a hand touch hers. She looked at it, noticing the lack of feeling. Whenever she and Tilly had touched, she felt the blood coursing through her veins, her heart contract, the hairs on the back of her neck stand to attention. She knew the touch from Diane has been out of concern, but she missed the contact that made her body dance with anticipation and her head fill with love.

Jen knew she was going to have to say something. It took all of what energy she had left.

'I'm not feeling too good Diane, think I'm coming down with something. I…I think I may call in sick.' Jens voice broke, she felt every emotion within her threatening to burst out via the tears welling in her eyes. She didn't think she could hold them back for much longer but didn't want her tears to give her away to Diane, like she would be able to read her secrets through the emotions as they left her eyes.

She went to speak again, but luckily Diane interrupted.

'Ok love, well you really don't look well. Can I get you anything?' She broke, as she saw Jen shake her head. 'Aright, well I'll sort College out for you, don't you worry about that. You get yourself some rest and I'll check in with you later.'

Diane stood up and went to leave the room.

'Thank you' was all Jen could muster. It was taking all she had to restrain herself from falling apart in front of Diane.

Diane turned a smiled sympathetically at Jen. Jen forced a weak smile, which in turn made her feel sick inside. She wished she could tell Diane everything, but she knew without a shadow of a doubt a revelation like that could only end in disaster and more heartache for not only her, but for Tilly. And she knew she had caused more than enough of that for the both of them already. She needed to be alone, there was no one that could help her now. She had done this. She knew that her actions yesterday had ruined any chance of Tilly ever wanting to be with her ever again.

She heard her bedroom door close. The relief of being along again overtook her and she collapsed back on her bed and felt the world around her fall away and the room turn black.


	2. Chapter 2

As Jen lay motionless, almost lifeless on her bed, she felt her mind become captured by an unknown yet powerful force and before she could stop herself she was dragged back into the subconscious world, the world where she could recapture moments she had shared with the woman she loved more than life itself. She was oblivious to her surrounding, the goings on of life around her. She felt safe in her thoughts. Tilly was there, she loved her, things weren't a mess, there was no heartache, no anger, and no sadness. She could get lost, lost in that world, lost in Tilly and never have to come up for air.

The realm Jen began to slip deeper into was made up of a collection of unforgettable moments between the two. She knew where her mind would go first. To the beginning. Their first meeting. It had been at the art exhibition at College Coffee where Jen's overly critical view of Tilly's painting had not scored her many points with the fiery redhead. From that very moment, Jen had felt an uncontrollable and forceful connection between them. It ran deeper than anything she had ever felt before. She felt herself completely drawn to Tilly, like a magnet. It was unstoppable, which should have scared her. But it didn't. Everything about Tilly had pulled Jen in. Yes she was beautiful, she had instantly caught Jen's eye. The way her fringe was so meticulously swept across her forehead, her makeup applied with intricate precision highlighting her strong blue eyes and high cheek bones, her perfect skin. But it wasn't just her appearance that had impressed Jen. She had been taken aback slightly by Tilly's confidence, although modest, she had approached Jen, and Jen couldn't help but try and impress her with her interpretations of the work on display. Despite failing at this after criticising Tilly's own work, Jen redeemed herself after a chance encounter in the village. Jen wasn't spontaneous. Yes she loved getting up at a ridiculous hour at the expense of her art, but to her that wasn't spontaneous; it was a need and felt so natural to her. But her invitation towards Tilly, to accompany her to Crosby Beach and visit Gormley's statues, was completely out of character. This excited her, that someone had this influence on her. The whole time at the beach Jen had felt so at ease in Tilly's company, yet there had been a constant stream of butterflies in her stomach fighting to be set free and a unrelenting nervous shake threatening to give away her excitement of being around Tilly. Both of which she found a major distraction whilst trying to concentrate on her sketching of the statues. She had managed to steady herself though, wanting so much to capture something to remind her endlessly of the unforgettable day they had shared together. And the kiss….It had not been planned, again it was spontaneous.

Jen felt herself relax more into her world away from reality as she reminisced over their first kiss. As Jen had helped Tilly to her feet, she felt her head scream at her to kiss the redhead. The moment had seemed perfect. She had hesitated momentarily, wondering whether it was what Tilly would have wanted, but as she glanced into her eyes she felt an unspoken bond between them and their lips met. It wasn't a passionate kiss; the moment didn't call for it. But it was heartfelt and strong and conveyed more than either could have hoped for. Jen can still feel the tingle on her lips where they encountered Tilly's for the first time, she can still feel the increase in her blood pressure, her stomach doing somersaults, her heart melting as she became consumed by the woman who stood before her. It was only a single kiss but it meant more to her than Tilly would ever know.

Jen stirred momentarily, wondering whether she should exit the simulated world she was currently engrossed in. Had she managed to not become imprisoned by her thoughts again, she would have almost certainly realised that there were potential repercussions brewing for her. Keeler had left college, Tilly had been expelled. Questions were going to be asked, it was inevitable. It would only be a matter of time before Diane found out the reasons for both. Yes Jen was the one who reported Tilly to Keeler and to anyone who didn't know their history, what they had been through, the obstacles they had overcome, the conventions they had defied, Jens actions would seem nothing more than professional. But to Diane, this would not be the case. She had already caught them together at the Folly, and she had been wary of the two since. But once she found out the reasons for Tilly's expulsion she was bound to put two and two together. Diane was a force to be reckoned with. There would be nothing Jen could say to try and deter Diane from the conclusion she would draw once she discovered the happenings of yesterday.

Jen felt herself crash back to reality, as if something had purposely pulled her. She felt shocked that her body would do this to her, it hurt so much being dragged from the perfect little world she had created, she had tried to fight it ,her body writhing against the pull. But it didn't work; it was never going to work. As she opened her eyes, unable to connect with her alternate universe any longer, the pain came flooding back. It engulfed her, like flames finding oxygen. There was no escaping it this time as a torrent of thoughts and images of the day before crashed into her creating a car wreck of emotions and pain.

You did this. You hurt her. You were the fool, the idiot, the coward. That word hurt the most. Coward. It was like a knife to the heart. A fresh round of tears began to fall. Jen sat up and pulled her knees up to her chest, she hugged them tightly as if doing so would suppress the thoughts barraging her brain, trying to decimate her defences, trying to capture her being and devastate her soul.

After what seemed like days Jen felt the tears begin the ease, she wiped her eyes and as she adjusted to the room around her she noticed the sketch of the Anthony Gormley statue she had pinned to her wall. That sketch to an untrained eye would seem flawless, a perfect interpretation of the sculpture she had seen. But to a lover of art, a fellow enthusiast, they would see excitement, passion, struggle and love. How Jen had managed to capture so much, she didn't know. She couldn't explain it, but her art was the one area of her life where she could fully express herself. Every piece she created was full to the brim with emotion, with what Jen felt, laced with the memory it evoked. She felt herself move towards the sketch, although only on the other side of the room, it felt a lifetime away. As she steadied herself in front of the piece, she raised her hand and let it trace the outline of the figure she'd drawn. She closed her eyes. One thing came to mind, well, one person. Tilly. Jen remembered why she had pinned this sketch to her wall. It was a symbol of promise, of things to come. After finding out Tilly wasn't a uni student but a student at Sixth Form College, Jen had been devastated. The fire at the college had brought their paths together again, but this time the emotions were different. They weren't of excitement; they were of worry, anguish, and disappointment. Seeing Tilly hurt like that, physically hurt was unbearable for Jen. That was the kind of pain that she knew she couldn't prevent, couldn't heal. She remembered looking at Tilly, unconsciously letting her hand stroke below the cut on her forehead, feeling once again the dance in her stomach, the over excited neurons in her brain, all the time wishing that she could comfort the redhead, take her in her arms. But it wasn't possible, they were forbidden to be together, and she let Tilly know this. But Tilly felt like a drug to her. Seeing her around college, around the village, she seeped into her veins and latched herself onto every blood cell in Jens body, every neuron firing up her senses, and Jen let it happen. She couldn't stop, she felt addicted to her, addicted to the way she made Jen feel, addicted to the stares that lingered for a moment too long, the gentle stolen touches, the secret kisses. But she also couldn't help but feel that this high, this rush she felt every time she saw, felt, imagined Tilly, would end. Because as with any drug, what gets you high, eventually stops feeling good and starts to hurt.

But it didn't take long for Jen to realise this wasn't the case. She loved Tilly. Tilly wasn't a drug; she wasn't something that was manufactured for Jen's pleasure. What Jen had been feeling, wasn't the synthetic high of a drug, it was the natural elation of being in love. This was why Jen had put the Gormley sketch on her wall. It symbolised their relationship, not only did the figure caught in sand represent their own struggle, to have to break free from conformity and be true to their feelings, but the sketch reminded Jen of how she felt for Tilly. She loved her, to the point of no return. There was no hiding from it, no escaping it, her heart belonged to Tilly and always would.

Again tears began to erupt as Jen berated herself for letting things cloud her judgement. She looked at the sketch as if seeing it with fresh eyes. The true meaning of it had gotten lost somewhere along the way, either she had chosen to ignore its symbolism or she had been so wrapped up in her worries that she ceased to acknowledge its importance anymore. This wasn't the case now though. Jen leant forward and rested her hands on her desk as she felt a surge of energy course through her. Her body felt overwhelmed, only moments ago she had been a contorted figure of anguish and heartache, yet a momentary realisation had reignited the flame inside her. She steadied herself as she tried to control her thoughts and process what she needed to do.


	3. Chapter 3

Jen knew she had a limited window of opportunity in which to do things. Nothing about today was going to be easy. She looked at her bedside clock,11.15am. Time was against her, her clock instantly reminding her of that. She flashed it an evil glare, hoping that doing so would reveal a more agreeable hour. It was not the case. She had a plan; well she felt she had a plan. She couldn't bring herself to say it out loud though, afraid that voicing it would somehow set her up for failure. She couldn't fail. Failure was not an option. She had failed Tilly so many times in the past. One particular memory stood out in Jens mind. The polaroid. Ester had captured a moment between Jen and Tilly; they're gaze fixed on each other, as if breaking it would shatter the world around them. Their hands gently touching, completing the bond between them and letting their emotions travel from one soul to another. Even without the polaroid, Jen remembered the tender moment as if it had happened only moments ago. She remembered seeing Tilly's pupils dilate as she held her eyes with hers. In that moment Jen had never felt more exposed to Tilly. A smile was shared between them. As she reached for her hand, never letting theirs eyes part, she felt as if she was coming up for air, as if she'd been sleeping and Tilly's touch had awoken her. As the connection of skin to skin had been made, Jen shot back to just before the lesson started and remembered the closeness they had felt. Jen guiding Tilly's hand encompassing the paint brush, feeling Tilly lean back into her, her body fitting perfectly against Jen's. Jen could feel Tilly breathing; it shortened as she whispered into the redheads ear,

'Can you feel it?'

Both of them knew that Jen hadn't been talking about the art; the question had far more meaning than that. In that moment, all Jen wanted to do was kiss Tilly. Her beauty was breath taking, Jen could never get over the effect that seeing Tilly had on her. A glimpse of her at the other end of a corridor sent Jens mind into disarray, an involuntary smile appearing on her face at the exhilaration of spotting her. The flash of red hair, even if caught only for a mere second, stopped Jen mid sentence and would turn her into a fumbling mess, struggling to recover, desperately trying to gather herself in order to form coherent sounds.

She felt Tilly swiftly move around to face her, again their eyes meeting like they had so many times before, but never getting bored or too comfortable, always as if they were meeting for the first time. She breathed Tilly in, the aroma of her perfume hypnotizing, the aura of her soul surrounding Jen like a warm embrace. She could see Tilly's lips part ever so slightly, a sharp intake of breath from both as they felt the surge of adrenaline through their veins at the trepidation of the impending kiss. She leant forward, but the moment was broken as Tilly stumbled. Not wanting to lose the magic felt from the embrace, she had tried to rekindle it later in the art room, and that was what Ester had captured, unbeknown to Jen.

Everything from then on had spiralled out of control. Rumours had been started, making the halls of the college alive with childish whispering, judgemental looks and hurtful sniggers. Jen knew she had to put a stop to it, and not just the gossip. She had to end the relationship that had fuelled them. She blamed Tilly for the rumours, she had broken the rules. She was angry at her. Jen swallowed hard and mentally scolded herself as she recalled the hurtful things she had said to Tilly, calling her immature, ending things as if they meant nothing. It wasn't until the damage was done, that the polaroid was revealed and Jen had to swallow the hard pill of regret. Even still, she couldn't let the relationship continue; she was so worried about what would happen to her career if they were found out for real that she couldn't help but push Tilly away.

Again Jen felt herself snap back to reality as she her legs began to buckle beneath her. She was torturing herself with mental images, constant condemnation of the mistakes she'd made, reliving the very essence of Tilly, their relationship, the pain she had caused for both of them. It was making her weak, she couldn't cope. She felt herself want to lie down again, escape to the world she'd disappeared into earlier that morning. The rollercoaster of emotions was making her fill sick, her stomach felt like it had been used as a punch bag, she felt winded, tired, lonely. As she fell to the ground she almost succumbed and was just about to let her body lie lifeless on the floor and drift into unconsciousness, when she felt her mouth open, a small spark in her brain telling her to use her words…

'I can't keep doing this; I can't keep punishing myself if I want her back. I did a horrible thing, but that doesn't make me a horrible person. I…'

She cut herself off. Replaying back in her head what she had said. She wanted her back. It wasn't a question, but a resounding statement. Of course she wanted Tilly back, but she had said it, out loud. Her heart was beating so hard, she could feel the pulsation in her temples, the intensity in her ears. There had never been any doubt in her mind that she wanted Tilly back, from the moment the words had come out of her mouth to Keeler, she knew that she had extinguished the fire that represented hers and Tilly's relationship. She never expected Tilly to be expelled though, for things to have gone so drastically wrong. To be honest, she wasn't sure what she had expected to happen. Once again she had become so hung up on the consequences for her and her career that the repercussions of her actions had been an insignificant flicker in the back of her mind.

She sat quietly for a while. When did I become so selfish, so self-absorbed? She thought back a few weeks, to when she had kissed Tilly in the art room after working on the memorial project. Tilly had shrugged the whole project off, accusing it of being a box ticking exercise. Jen had pushed for her cooperation. She had pulled Tilly into a classroom that day, the mention of Maddie and the memory of the bus crash had clearly upset Tilly, Jen could see she was both furious and vulnerable. Not wanting to take advantage but show her support she had try to console Tilly, but to no avail. Tilly raised her voice.

'Where were you when I needed you?'

Jen recalled Tilly's voice breaking trying to get the words out, feeling her own heart break slightly at the sight of it. The statement rung around Jen's head, she wished that there was an escape to let it out, so it would stop reverberating around and around, causing a stab of pain every time it hurtled into the side of her head. A moment of realisation cut through Jen and exposed her wounded to the world. Where had she been? Tilly had lost 3 of her very best friends, an occurrence she would never have wished upon anyone let alone the woman she loved. She hadn't been there for Tilly, she wished she had of been. She wished more than anything she could have comforted her, consoled her, helped her to mend, get through such an unimaginable tragedy. And there she was, trying to make a mends, as if being there for her all those months later was enough. And Tilly let her back in. She let her defences down, she opened herself up for Jen to recapture her heart, hanging on every word Jen spoke.

Nausea swept over Jen. She had stopped herself being available to Tilly when she needed her most, but Tilly had forgiven her. Only for Jen to then take it all away again within a matter of seconds.

If she wanted Tilly back, which she did, she had never been more sure of anything in her life, she needed to prove to her that she was in, that she would be there, no matter what, that she wasn't going to run at the first sight of danger, bolt when things got difficult. She needed Tilly to know that she was eternally sorry for all the pain, all the heartache, she never meant to hurt her. Although not spontaneous, Jen was often impulsive, haphazard, acting without consideration or reasoning. It was definitely a flaw. No one could deny that, especially now, after all she had been through with Tilly. She knew it wasn't an excuse for her behaviour, for the hurtful things she had said, but she had identified it as a problem, hoping that something good could come from this.

This wasn't going to be easy. But she had to see Tilly.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hey guys, i know i'm stringing this out a bit, but its just the way my brain works, so hopefully you can stick with it._

_Thanks so much for all the reviews, they were unexpected but very much appreciated :)_

Jen frantically searched round her room trying to find her mobile, creating mess and destruction everywhere she looked. It usually resided on her bedside table; she kept it close to her when she slept in case Tilly contacted her. It never ceased to put a smile on her face, and awaken those live in butterflies she had inhabiting her stomach when the screen of her phone lit up to reveal Tilly's name. But it wasn't there. She panicked. Her first cognitive thought since trying to pull herself together had been to try and contact Tilly, she knew it was a long shot, foreseeing the likelihood of Tilly answering her calls being slim to nothing but it was a shot nonetheless. She searched her desk; papers, books, jewellery all sliding to the floor as she desperately sought her phone, the loud clatter as things hit the deck reminding Jen of the headache she had caused herself, that wasn't letting up. Still nothing. Her chair which 90% of the time was covered in clothes was next in line to be ruthlessly inspected. She lifted the pile of garments and let it collapse to the floor, listening intensely for the loud thud of the mobile. The clothes seemed to fall in slow motion, as if they were biding their time before they hit the floor, purposely keeping Jen in a state of animated suspense. Nothing. Just a mess, all around her. She was getting frustrated, she felt flustered and hot. Where the hell was it? Usually she wouldn't let something so trivial bother her, but the importance of finding it today was beyond imperative. As she collapsed onto the recently stripped chair, she felt defeated and the grip of reality seemed to let go of her. She vaguely thought about how she would need to get a hold of herself if she was going to try and contact Tilly, but the pull of the parallel universe was strong, enticing her in with memories of the pair that were cemented in Jens brain like handprints in concrete. She ached to be back in that world, to be back in the shack where they often met. The shack where for hours they could escape reality and be themselves. Not afraid to touch, not afraid to laugh and mess around, not afraid to share intimate moments together. It was their safe place; there were no judgements and no rules. Jen could almost feel Tilly closing the gap between them, every step closer reinforcing the love between them. She could almost feel Tilly's eyes looking into hers, finding solace there, finding the other half of her soul she'd been desperately seeking. She could almost feel her warm breath on her neck as she gently kissed down towards her collar bone causing her eyes to close as she felt her love for Tilly course through her body and take over. And Tilly's touch, she could almost feel her fingers gently graze a path along Jens arm, a path which only Tilly knew, a path which no one else would trespass down. Just as she was about to let herself be engulfed by the cravings of past moments, she leant forward in the chair as if the movement would close the vortex dragging her in and release its gravitational pull on her.

She brought her hands to her face, brushing her unusually messy hair back from her eyes. She felt her cheeks, they were warm. She felt a sting in her left cheek, the remains of an angry, passion filled slap Tilly had left her with yesterday before she had exited the college. Jen remembered watching Tilly from the classroom, tears fell as the realisation of what had just happened sunk in. The sting as they crept down the swollen left side of her face mirrored the sting she felt now. She watched as Tilly stood by the bin in the car park and emptied the entire contents of her art folder.

Jen could barely see through her tears as she witnessed Tilly indignantly tear through her art work, piece by piece. She knew that she was the reason for this, yes the events of the day certainly fuelled the act, but there was an underlying meaning to Tilly's actions. She was showing her what she had done to her, to them. She had torn apart Tilly's heart and everything that they were, the months they'd spent together, the love that had been growing constantly between them, the prospect of a future together.

Jen sat back again for a moment; she pressed her left hand harder to her cheek. She winced at the pain, but didn't release the pressure. She wanted to feel the tenderness, she needed to feel it. She wanted Tilly back, she was prepared to fight for her, whatever it took, but did Tilly want her back? The pain in her cheek emboldened her as she realised Tilly cared; she wouldn't have come and found Jen after the events in Keeler's office if she didn't. Yes she was hurt, hurt more than she thought was ever possible, but to Jen, Tilly showing up and revealing such raw emotion towards her, gave her hope. She knew it was a completely backwards way of thinking but she knew sometimes things worked better in reverse. She let her thought process wander for a while, trying to figure out her next move. Ironically she envisioned the ending of their relationship as a plane crash. But this didn't have to be the end. A fatal series of events had led them to this outcome, each needing to be addressed before any forward movement could be made. But this didn't need to be their final outcome. She couldn't let it end like this. Jen had constantly put up boundaries, lines that couldn't be crossed if they were to be together. But Jen knew she needed to make a decision, boundaries fenced you in. She didn't want to waste her life drawing lines, she wanted to live life, and that meant crossing them. She wanted to be with Tilly, she needed to be with Tilly. The prospect of life without her was unimaginable. They needed to go back, back to the beginning, back where it all started. Jen needed to get Tilly to Crosby Beach.


	5. Chapter 5

Jen tried to calm herself. Her breathing was erratic and shallow. The idea had come to her so quickly yet it felt like she'd been searching for it all her life. It was overwhelming. It was a whisper of hope and she clung to it for dear life before it could be ripped from her grasp, disappearing forever.  
To anyone else, getting someone to accompany you to the beach wouldn't be any great task. To most, the beach was an exciting day out, a chance to regress, guilt free back to childhood, enjoying the freedom. But for Jen it was more than that. At no two points during the day did the beach ever look the same. She loved the challenge of creating art at the beach. She was almost never satisfied with the end product, but it spurred her on to capture the essence and beauty of the landscape when she returned. Her favourite time of year to venture to the beach was during the winter months. Gone were the bright, gleaming enticing waters offering a rest bite from the burning furnace that encompassed the sands. Instead remained a dark, almost black, unfamiliar liquid. It didn't appeal to you in the same way the summer sea did, it was sultry and deceiving, however you were drawn to it, as it laid a trail of sea shells along the shore for you to follow, enticing you in like Hansel and Gretel to their impending doom. One minute the black water would be lapping against the edge of the sand, completely innocent, appearing to pose no threat. But you could still feel a sinister presence. The next minute it would roar ferociously, bitter, foaming like a rabid dog, angry that it couldn't capture you, dragging you in to its icy embrace. The wind would rescue you from the danger of the hypnotising sea waters though, breathing life into you, clearing out the tired, old air in your lungs and replacing it with fresh, crisp air. Like a shot of adrenaline to restart a heart, you felt invigorated, alive, infinite.

Jen stood up, her room felt stuffy, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't think. She shakily walked over to her window and opened it. The cool air rushed in, like a fire-fighter racing into a burning building, fearlessly ready to rescue the victims inside. Jen could feel the stagnant, stale air leave the room, replacing it was a cool breeze, not unlike the one you would feel at the beach, only it lacked the salty aroma. Closing her eyes, she breathed in deeply, letting the fresh, clean oxygen circulate her body and quickly arrive at her brain. She opened her eyes and walked straight over to her bed. By the side of it lay her work satchel. The affirming fresh air had swept the cobwebs from her mind letting her think clearly for the first time in what felt like years. Her phone was in her bag, it had always been there. And had she thought with a clear head sooner she would have realised that it had never left there since she arrived home from work the previous evening.

As she unlocked her phone she felt apprehensive at the prospect of a message from Tilly. She half expected a barrage of abusive messages, cursing her for her actions, for her expulsion, blaming her for all that was wrong with their relationship, infuriated pleas for her to not contact her ever again. But there were no messages. There was a missed call. Again she thought that maybe Tilly had called, leaving an angry voicemail, her volatile words ready to slash at Jen leaving her more wounded and broken than she felt already . Jen prepared herself for it, accepting the attack from Tilly knowing that she deserved it. But as Jen opened her call list she felt disappointed. The call had been from Diane. She noted the time of the call, 12.47pm; less than 15minutes ago. As she stood taking in the lack of contact from Tilly, letting her mind process it, she felt a sudden sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. Diane!

'Oh my god!'

Again her head spun, and she staggered back to the open window, keen to let the fresh air unravel the knot of thoughts threatening to clog her mind. She felt herself begin to calm again as the breeze worked its magic. She knew that Diane would have found out about Keeler; that was inevitable, the staff would have been informed immediately. But would she be aware of Tilly's expulsion? Jen had to prepare herself for the worst, but hope for the best. She would have to call Diane back; even if Diane wasn't aware of yesterday's event, her call was to probably check on how Jen was feeling. Ignoring it would only cause concern for Diane irregardless of what she knew.

Jen hovered over Diane's name, plucking up the courage to return her call. She pressed call and held the phone to her ear. She took a deep breath hoping that not only did the fresh air entering the room clear the mind, but offer courage and confidence as well. The phone rang for what felt like an age, the longer it rang the more Jen's heart raced. Then a voice answered at the other end.

'Hiya love, how are you feeling?'

This was a good start Jen thought, Diane's tone wasn't angry or agitated, she sounded caring and calm.

'Jen? Are you there love?'

Jen, realising her thoughts had presented Diane with a long pause after her initial question, composed herself and answered.

'Oh I'm ok, still not feeling 100%. Definitely coming down with something.'

She didn't know what to say, she didn't want to go on in case Diane knew everything and accused her of lying.

'Well you really don't sound your usual self Jen. I just wanted to check in with you. Don't want you keeling over on me. Where would I hide the body?'

Jen felt herself begin to smile at Diane's attempt at humour.

'You really picked a day to have off though. Keeler's been fired! Can't quite believe it. Suppose the governors had to find a scapegoat for the whole Esther situation.'

Diane paused; Jen felt the apprehension rise within her, making her legs feel like they could crumble beneath her. Then she realised that if Diane didn't known about Tilly, she also wouldn't know that Jen knew of Keeler's dismissal. She opted to play dumb.

'Oh my god,' she replied. 'That's awful. Must be manic over there.' She stopped herself going further, waiting instead to see how Diane would respond.

'It is. No one is really sure what's going on. The governors have sent all staff an email outlining the situation. But they didn't really go into it the juicy details. So disappointing, you know how I love a good bit of gossip eh?'

Jen started to relax; it seemed that Diane was unaware of the Tilly situation.

'I know you do,' was all Jen could manage to respond with.

'Well love you get some rest, do you need anything?' Diane asked. Jen hearing the concern in her voice felt the ache of guilt thud in her chest. She knew that she was in the clear for now, but the longer this went on the greater the fall would be.

'I'm fine thanks Diane. Think I may just try and get some fresh air, see if that helps.' Jen needed an excuse as to why she might not be home when Diane returned from work. The day was running out and she needed to try and get hold of Tilly.

'Right well don't wear yourself out Jen. You've been working so hard lately; I was worried you might burn yourself out. Look, I better go love, call me if you need anything and I'll see you later.'

'Yes mum!' Jen joked trying to make light of the situation, knowing that her recent dedication to her work had been so she could spend more time with Tilly, working after college hours to help her with her art coursework.

'Oi I'll have less of that please. You're making me feel old! See you later love.'

'Yeh bye Diane.'

The call ended. Jen wasn't sure if she felt relieved. She just had to take the situation as it was, Diane hadn't suspected anything, there was no hidden agenda to her call other than to see how Jen was feeling. She couldn't let this get in the way of her next step. One more deep breath in, she let herself feel grounded again, her feet securing her safely to the floor like roots of a tree trying to support the weight above them. She returned her attention to her phone. She scrolled through the call list until she found Tilly's name. She was on autopilot; she had done this a million times before. Over the summer they had talked on the phone almost every night. With it being almost impossible to spend the evenings together, it was the only way for them to feel closer to each other, to connect without actually being physically in each other's presence. Jen briefly broke from her automatic movements contemplating whether to work out a speech, but she decided against it. She was unsure of how Tilly would react to her call, if she would even answer at all, a planned speech would only stump her if it didn't go as she planned.

Without any more hesitation, she pressed call. The phone rang.


	6. Chapter 6

Jens heart was in her mouth. She didn't realise, but she was holding her breath, the anticipation at the possibility of hearing Tilly's voice proving to be too much to handle. She heard the phone ring twice before the line went silent and Tilly's voicemail clicked in.

'_Tilly's phone. Leave one.'_

Jen collapsed, silent tears streaming down her face, as if Tilly's voice spread over her like molten lava, melting her instantly. It took a few moments for Jen to come round, realising what had happened. She wiped away the traces of tears on her face, stopping them from masking her thoughts. Tilly's phone was on, she hadn't ignored the phone call, yes she hadn't answered either, but she had cancelled the call sending it to voicemail. She had seen Jen calling. Jen shuffled back and leant herself against her bed. She settled herself, letting her breathing return to normal. The shock of having held her breath unintentionally during the phone call caused her to heave for oxygen. She tried the call again.

'_Tilly's phone. Leave one.'_

This time the phone rang 3 times before the voicemail clicked in. She hung up. She wanted to speak directly to Tilly, she didn't want anything to get lost in translation by leaving a message. She tried again. Ring, ring, ring.

'_Tilly's phone. Leave one.'_

Again Jen hung up. She paused for a moment. Replaying the recorded message over and over in her head. It was addictive, Tilly sounded upbeat and happy, something Jen had missed desperately. She tried 4 more times, each call reaching the same conclusion as the first. She was unsure of what to do. Each time, her heart pleaded for Tilly to answer, her head frantically begging for the redhead to hear her hearts pleas. But the more she called, the more the begging in her head began to retreat, leaving room for doubt to invade the empty space. Was she fighting a losing battle? Jen knew nothing about this was going to be easy, far from it. She fought the mental attack of doubts, not letting them defeat her. This was Tilly. She was the single most important thing in her life. For months Jen had put her career first, and she had never let Tilly forget it. Boundary number one. This line encompassed them the tightest. The walls so high, so domineering, nothing able to penetrate its defences, and equally nothing being able to escape. Jen was unsure of the solution to this problem. She only knew that she didn't want to make the decision alone. She had been making decisions for the both of them from the moment they met, deciding their relationship should be a secret, deciding to end it more than once in order to protect herself, deciding to go to the principle and report Tilly for harassment. At no point during their relationship had Jen given them the chance to talk things through, compromise on a decision that would please the both of them. Boundary number two. Jen felt ashamed as she admitted her failures. Not only had she let Tilly down but she had let herself down. The cloak of shame wrapped itself tightly around Jen, exposing her foolishness to the world, openly humiliating her to anyone who cared to look. No wonder Tilly didn't want to answer her calls. Again she felt doubt forcing its way to the front of her mind.

'Give me a break will you?'

The sound of her own voice made her jump. She had been mentally exhausting herself, fighting tooth and nail in a silent battle in her head for so long; she felt an instant release as the words left her mouth. The doubts that were strengthening its army, sharpening its weapons, applying war paint, began to surrender immediately as the involuntary burst escaped. Rejoicing in the relief it brought, she let her voice take control again.

'I can do this. I can do this!'

She surprised herself at the determination in her words. The adrenaline finally making its way through her veins again, giving her a second wind. She made a decision to call Tilly 5 more times. If upon the 5th call, she failed to answer and it went to voicemail, Jen would leave a message.

She called once. Nothing. Again. Nothing. Again. Still nothing. On the fourth call she noticed that her phone rang 6 times before going to voicemail. A flutter of hope ignited the fire beneath the pit of dwindling determination within her. Maybe she was starting to get through to Tilly. She called again. Again the phone rang 6 times before silence, and the click of the voicemail message. She was at a crossroads. She only had seconds to make a decision of whether to leave a message or hang up and keep trying. But she had already made the decision to leave a message; she needed to stick to it. Her mind working overdrive, she was brought back to reality as she heard a beep down the phone, a signal for her to leave a verbal message. No amount of pleading in her heart, or begging from her head would help her now. She needed to use words, words that meant something, words that would hopefully penetrate the barriers she knew Tilly would have raised in order to keep her at bay, as far away from her heart as possible. It was now or never.

She went to speak, but nothing came out. The silence was painful. The confidence from her brief release only moments ago had disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. Seconds were rushing past her like cars on the motorway, knocking the wind from her lungs as if she stood there invisible to the oncoming traffic. She felt caught in the headlights, dazzled, stunned, unable to avert her attention from the blinding lights. But she fought it; she looked up, her eyes desperately seeking out the sketch of the Gormley statue on her wall, her lungs remembering the fresh air provided by the open window. She breathed. _Just breathe_, she thought to herself. She let her lips part slightly. She was ready.

'Tilly, it's me. I'm not going to say sorry…' A noise from down the line caused Jen to pause for a split second, quickly she continued, 'because I know it isn't enough.' But it was too late, the noise had signalled the end of her allotted time, the later part of her sentence not making it onto the recording.

'No!' Jen cried. 'No!' She felt her heart physically shatter in her chest, the shrapnel slicing through her veins, severing her arteries. The pain was too much. Jen gripped at her chest, trying to rip the pain from her weakening body, at the same time trying the fathom what had just happened. She looked down at her phone, she couldn't believe it. She gaged at the thought of Tilly only hearing the first half of her message. _This can't be happening._ She was going to be sick. She frantically grabbed at the bed behind her, using all the strength she had left to pull herself to her feet. She needed air. She scrambled towards the window, the pain disguising itself as pure alcohol, forcing her to stumble drunk to the window, one hand still gripping her chest, the other clinging to her phone. _Just breathe._ She didn't know where the voice came from, she was sure that it hadn't come from her head this time; she definitely didn't have the composure to have said it out loud. Wherever it came from though, she was glad to hear it. She loosened the grip on her chest and steadied herself on the windowsill. She sucked the life-saving fresh air into her lungs. Coming too slightly, she felt the phone in her other hand. She looked down at it. She needed to call Tilly back, she needed to fix this. She scrolled through the list and dialled again, shakily bringing the phone to her ear. There was no ringing. Silence. Then the phone chimed three times. An automated message followed.

'The mobile number you are calling is no longer in service. Please hang up. Please hang up. Please hang up.'

Jen couldn't hang up. She couldn't comprehend what was happening. It was just one thing after another. She just let her phone drop to the floor.


	7. Chapter 7

_I don't blame anyone for getting annoyed with me for how strung out this is. I apologise. I didn't realise how much stuff I had in my brain. Please stick with it :)_

_Conversation in Italics belongs to channel 4. _

This time the nausea wasn't letting up, the fresh breeze from the open window wasn't saving her. She doubled over and gave in; hoping that being sick would extricate the toxins building up in her body threatening slowly and painfully to shut her down. But it wasn't the case, she was beaten. She slumped down onto the floor and felt her body slip out of consciousness.

_Tilly stroked a finger over the photo collage of Maddie sitting on the desk, hoping the gesture would stifle the grief left in her. She forced back the tears and took a deep breath. Unable to look up at Jen for fear of breaking down, she began to speak. Her voice soft, vulnerable, laced with heartache._

'_The night of the crash I emailed you.'_

_Jen surprised by the revelation, stopped what she was doing and looked up at Tilly. The mention of the crash sent a wave of guilt through her, countered with disappointment at not ever receiving the mail Tilly mentioned. _

'_I'm sorry I didn't get it,' she replied. _

_Tilly still couldn't bring herself to look at Jen, knowing one look from those amber eyes would tip her over the edge. She was barely containing the surge of emotions fighting to escape as it was. She continued._

'_I didn't send it.' She focused into the distance, as the pain of the memory resurfaced. 'It wasn't really for you,' a frown appeared across her face as she remembered the reason for not sending it. 'It was for the old you I guess. That Jen.' She paused, she looked down. A sign of defeat. 'She was the only other person who understood me.'_

_A second round of guilt trapped Jen up against the ropes, strangling her, rendering her speechless. Nothing she could say was going to change the past. She should have been there for Tilly. Whether Tilly had reached out to her or not, she should have been there. There was no other way of putting it. She should have been there for her._

'_You told us to find an outlet for our grief,' Tilly continued. She looked down at the book she had been grasping tightly in her hands. She nervously laid it onto the desk in front of her, fighting the urge to keep it in her possession, knowing full well she would be exposing herself, her feelings, her soul. She nudged it towards Jen. Barely able to speak anymore she finished what she had come there to say. 'There it is.'_

_Jen looked at Tilly, she wanted to reach out and hold her. She knew it wasn't the time. She fought back the urge and watched Tilly as she moved closer to the memorial project Jen had made a start on._

_Tilly stood looking at the half finished memorial. She had tried to push her feelings aside, hoping that the writings in her book would be enough to extract the grief she felt inside. But as she looked at the memorial, at her friends, she knew that she hadn't grieved fully. Her grief for them had been split down the middle with her grief for losing Jen._

_She found her voice again. 'Every night I'd write to you. It was like you were here again.' As the image of the old Jen flashed into Tilly's head, a weak smile crossed her face._

_Jen was taken aback by Tilly's words. She had picked up the book, not realising the extent of the contents. She turned to Tilly, shocked at the revelation of what lie in her hands. She wanted to say something, but she let Tilly finish._

'_It got me through.' Tilly was struggling. She felt her voice break as she went to speak again. The lump in her throat wasn't letting up, the sting in her eyes threatening tears at any moment. She took a deep breath. 'I knew Maddie could never come back. But you, the real you, there was still a chance.' _

_Jen with her back to Tilly, trying the hide the heartache ripping her chest open, turned the pages of the book. Pages stained with tears. She stopped and read a few lines out loud. 'I call her phone, sometimes I think I hear the angels answering. I hope her party isn't over.' Jen couldn't go on; Tilly had written these to her, she had exposed her wounds, sharing her innermost thoughts and feelings, an attempt at channelling her grief. Jen was overwhelmed by how deeply moved she felt. She had never experienced anything like this. These weren't just letters, they were art, and they were so poetic. She was speechless, completely in awe of Tilly's writings. She turned and moved towards the redhead. 'Oh tilly, these are beautiful,' she stated, not wanting Tilly to feel regret for letting her see the book._

_A single tear fell from Tilly's eye as she heard Jen's words, as she felt her move closer to her. It hadn't escaped unnoticed._

'_Hey,' Jen gestured, bringing an arm up to comfort Tilly, noticing the tear fall down her cheek. Jen loved Tilly, she ached to tell her, but she knew that wouldn't fix things, she knew it wasn't the right time._

_Tilly turned to glance briefly at Jen. Jen flashed her a reassuring smile. Tilly tried to reciprocate with a smile of her own as a thank you to Jen, her being there with her in that moment meant more than she would ever know._

Jen stirred, she felt her stomach cramp as she began to feel the pull back to reality.

'Jen love?'

She heard her name, the voice was familiar. She wanted the voice to go away; she wanted the pain to go away.

'Come on Jen, open your eyes.'

She felt a hand on her shoulder, gently rocking her. The pain still gripping and twisting her insides, she felt her ears tune out of the slumber she was in and into the world around her. She moaned as the rocking continued.

'That's it Jen, come on love. Open your eyes for me.'

Jen forced her eyelids open, blinking hard as the harshness of the bright light stung her eyes. She focused on the figure in front on her, it was Diane.

'Hey you, what happened in here? You have a party without me eh? Come on, let's get you up.'

She felt Diane's arms slip under hers and begin to pull her to her feet. She felt weak. She let Diane do most of the work. She wanted to argue, she had to get hold of Tilly, but as she tried to protest, she felt Diane lower her onto the edge of the bed. Diane lifted Jen's legs and swung them up and around, the motion causing Jen to lie down, the mattress fitting snug against her body. Once again she went to move, it was imperative that she got to Tilly, but the warmth she felt around her drew her in. Unable to fight, she succumbed, the white flag of surrender waving just long enough for the mattress to take advantage and envelop her holding her hostage for a little longer.

Jen woke with a start. This time her eyes weren't met with blinding lights. It was dark. As her eyes adjusted to the dark figures around the room, she began to recognise her surroundings. She was in her room, in her bed. She leaned over to her bedside lamp, feeling around for the switch, fumbling as she turned it on. As she moved, a slight twinge in her stomach caused her to wince. The pain felt hot, it lit a fuse within her. As it slowly burned away, it left a trail of memories from earlier in the day in its wake, purposely trying to torment her. Jen tensed as she waited for the fuse to reach its target. But the explosion never came. The evil tease of memories hadn't had the desired effect on her. They were meant to intimidate her, force her to surrender again. But they hadn't. Jen gently felt her body begin to relax. The slumber she had just awoken from had been delusion free. It had left her with a clear mind. Not empty, just clear. No cobwebs to obstruct her view, no knots creating an inescapable labyrinth, no doubts trying to bully her into submission. She knew what she was doing; she knew how to achieve what she wanted. She reached over to the side of her bed, the pain as she moved this time subsiding. She picked her work satchel off the floor and reached inside until she felt what she was looking forward. She grasped it tightly, the feel of it in her fingers stimulating her senses. She closed her eyes, letting her freshly awakened senses create an image in her head. Her clear mind meant the image was faultless, detailed, life like. The image she'd created in her head was Tilly. And the object she pulled out of her satchel was Tilly's book of letters.


	8. Chapter 8

_Pretty sure this is turning into a novel! Enjoy the read!_

Jen let her thumb caress the edge of the book. The circular motion was a gesture she often let herself instinctively re-enact time and time again when her fingers came into contact with Tilly's soft skin. A habit she missed more than anything. This time Tilly wasn't present though, the motion instead turning the film reel in Jens head, the picture flickering clear and bright. She could see Tilly, sat at her desk, the evening sun fighting to keep its position in the sky, wanting desperately for its lazy glow to steal a few more glimpses of the gorgeous redhead, wishing it could disturb her concentration, steal her attention, and welcome her into its embrace before it had to disappear into twilight, leaving only a faint incandescence for the world above the horizon to see. Jen, glued to the projection in her head, watched as Tilly raised her hand and reached around to the back of her neck. She noticed Tilly's shoulders relax, her body giving in and absorbing the last moments of heat the sun generously donated to her. Jen felt the unrelenting ache in her heart as she noticed the tear stained face of the redhead, the film flickering simultaneously as if expressing its own sympathy for the stranger in the movie. Jen continued watching. Tilly returned her attention to the project laid out before her on the desk. It was the book that Jen was tenderly stroking in front of her, the pink ring bind and the pale green cover delicately decorated with birds instantly recognisable. She saw Tilly sigh deeply; her eyes closed gently, the downward movement of her lids aiding the escape of tears she'd been holding back. They dropped onto the page in front of her, relieved to have found a surface to adorn, feeling as if they'd been falling forever. Jen tried to focus in on the page onto which the tears had fallen. The words were a blur, but she could just about make out a small sketch in the corner of the page, it vaguely resembled Jen. Jen's thumb stopped circling, the film pausing in her head. She opened the book gently; it felt fragile, one clumsy movement threatening to obliterate it and her heart in perfect unison. She turned the pages, the feel of the crisp paper exciting her senses; they hadn't felt the foundation for her artwork for what felt like a lifetime and ached for her to abuse them to create another unforgettable composition. Jens eyes were eager to find the page she sought, her heartbeat matching the rapid pace at which she scanned the pages. About half way through she reached it, the small sketch of her profile catching her attention. It was amazingly detailed and Jen felt slightly dumbfounded at the prospect of Tilly drawing it without a visual aid. After letting her eyes study the sketch for a few more moments, she adjusted her stare to the words written on the page. She noticed the smudge of tear drops; they had tried to defile the beautiful script delicately gracing the paper, but failed as Tilly's handwriting swept elegantly across the page like silk, each letter joining with its partner seamlessly.

This wasn't the first time Jen had seen this page, in fact she knew exactly what was written on it. She knew what was written on every page. She had read the letters repeatedly after she returned home from work the day Tilly had given her the book. The relentless recitation of the letters wasn't just out of obligation, she wanted to feel every emotion Tilly had felt, she wanted to know them by heart, as if she had been with Tilly as she wrote them.

_I'm letting them slide freely; surely unhappiness can't bond with my soul when it is slick with tears…._

Jen traced the words with her finger as she read them, the connection to the page letting the words permeate her skin, travelling with purpose towards her soul. Tilly's words tattooing themselves to the inner walls of Jen's being, a now permanent reminder of Jen's failure to be there for her. She couldn't bring herself to read the whole letter, knowing that if she was to make any head way with Tilly she couldn't let herself be interrupted with unnecessary emotion. It wasn't that the emotion the letter created was simulated or insufficient, it was the complete opposite, but she had a mission to tackle, letting the sentiment of the letter overtake her would only delay if not completely cease her efforts.

But as she tried to collect her thoughts, she couldn't help but let her finger trace again the familiar circular pattern, this time over Tilly's name as it signed off the letter. The film reel in her head began to choke half-heartedly back to life, but the picture was faint, almost unrecognisable, the reel struggled to rotate, the frame on display flickering up and down. Just as a wave of disappointment began its descent upon Jen, she felt her stomach growl. The noise startled her. She was hungry. No wonder her brain function was laboured, why the imaginary film reel had spluttered like a car running on fumes. She needed food before she could address her next move.

She stood up, the sudden movement proving to be too much for her empty body to withstand; as she burnt the last of the fuel deposits the fumes that remained made her dizzy. She leant against her bedside table, patiently waiting for the dance of spots in front of her eyes to finish, bow to the crowd and exit the stage. She could feel her stomach growl again. She couldn't remember the last time she ate. Lunchtime yesterday maybe? As her eyesight normalised, she glanced down at the clock on the table. 03:59am. A fresh bought of dizziness shook through her as she realised it had been over a day since she had laid eyes on Tilly. Her heart retracted, hiding deeper within the walls of her chest. When she was with Tilly it beat proudly, loud and strong, determined to force through her chest and show the world how Tilly made her feel. Now, like a mistreated pet, it timidly beat in the depths of her chest, afraid to be abused by its owner. Jen didn't like the feeling. If her heart was feeling this way after her actions, how on earth was Tilly's feeling? The question didn't bear thinking about. All she could do now was try and mend what she had broken, guaranteeing the new parts would last a lifetime.

Jen returned from the kitchen, a sandwich Diane left her in the fridge satisfying the previously untamed beast in her stomach, and opening all fuel channels to the brain. She walked around her room, trying to correct the mess that she had created earlier, and at the same time looking for a familiar book. This book however belonged to her. As she scooped the debris of her desk off the floor and rearranged it, she saw the book poking out from under some art magazines. She ceased tidying and took it over the bed where she had left the book of Tilly's letters. She placed hers next to the more delicate looking book. It was her journal. She had kept a journal most of her adult life with a stack of back issues starting to collect dust in her wardrobe. The start date of her current journal had been the 10th April 2012. 3days before she had met Tilly. The brief recall of their first meeting sending a telegram to the butterflies in her stomach, the message read: Let's dance. Jen looked down at the dishevelled book; her every emotion, her every feeling, her every want and need had been recorded without holding back, over the past 10 months. Her heart and soul filled every page, much like Tilly's letters. There were feelings and thoughts in the diary that she hadn't shared with anyone. Not even Tilly. Until now. She planned to give Tilly the journal. In person, Jen was impulsive, hot headed, saying things she didn't mean, things she later regretted. When she wrote down her feelings nothing was written in the heat of the moment, what was transferred to the pages was the true extent of her feelings as if they were delivered via her pen straight from her heart. She needed Tilly to see the way she made her feel, feelings that she had never been able to express verbally. There could be no holding back now. Everything was on the line; nothing mattered to Jen anymore other than Tilly. She loved her endlessly, with all that she had. As she rejoiced at the thought, she felt her heart begin to creep slightly towards the front of her chest, its new found bravery transferring as stronger beats.

There was one task that needed fulfilling before she could part with her Journal. She needed to write todays entry.


	9. Chapter 9

Jen finished the entry. She was exhausted. It hadn't been as easy as she'd hoped despite the unrelenting torrent of emotions from the past 36 hours supplying her with enough material to write a novel. Usually words would flow freely, her pen struggling to keep up with the pace at which her brain dictated. At one point she felt ready to give up, her brain and heart both now knowing the intended destination of the journal were apprehensive to let go of their secrets, worried releasing them would weaken their defences. Their reluctance to relinquish their intimacies felt much like trying to break into a bank vault with a fork; ineffectual and pointless. She rubbed her temples, trying to ease the tension writing the entry had created. But it was done. She naïvely hoped that yielding her feelings to her journal would provide her with some sort of relief, but it hadn't.

Jen looked across at her clock, 5:59am, the glance almost identical to that of the one from yesterday morning causing a flashback threatening with force to weaken her defences yet again. She was getting frustrated with the constant onslaught of terrorisations; she was trying so hard to hold herself together, to create a united front in the face of complete collapse, but she wasn't sure how much more her body could withstand. Throughout her relationship with Tilly, doubt reigned powerfully and always won the battle, stripping her unashamedly of her love and courage time and time again. The power doubt held over her forcing her to make decisions she didn't want to, say things she didn't mean, make rash decisions without any perception of the consequences. Jen physically shook herself, hoping the frantic movement would unbalance the attack of doubt, or at least stun it into submission for a little while longer.

Jen sat still for a while. She had to figure out a plan for the day ahead, but the continued ache in her temples was starting to infiltrate her thoughts, proving to be an unwelcome distraction. She concluded reluctantly that she needed to rest. The prospect of sleep unnerved her slightly though. She didn't want to fall into a slumber laden with nightmarish fantasies, scenarios of Tilly being torn from her grasp played on repeat. Nor did she want a rest void of any dreaming at all. Although waking from an untroubled sleep earlier in the evening had felt rejuvenating at the time, Jen hoped it wasn't a sign of things to come. A lifetime of sleep where her mind starved her of dreams of Tilly was inconceivable. She reached for her clock and set the alarm for 10:00am. As she let her body relax back in her bed, a brief thought of Tilly aided the escape of a flurry of tears before sleep pulled her into repose.

By 12:30 Jen was ready to face the world. Diane had briefly woken her before she left for work, ensuring her that College would still be there in a few days' time and that she should rest up. Jen didn't argue. The thought of having to concentrate on anything other than Tilly at this moment in time seemed impossible. She didn't even feel guilty for admitting this to herself, yes she had trained hard for her career, it had been her main focus for the past 5 years, but her job didn't fill all the voids in her life. Something she hadn't realised until recently when the greatest portion of her life had disappeared. Tilly. Whilst getting ready, she decided that she would take the journal to Tilly's house. It was really the only option she could think of for getting it into her possession. She decided to write a note to accompany the book. She didn't want to patronise Tilly, thinking that her surrendering her journal was a solution to all their problems, a quick fix. But she felt a few extra words were needed to accompany the journal.

_Tilly,_

_This isn't a solution, it isn't me asking for your forgiveness. It's just me. Things I should have said, and I wish more than anything I had._

_I would give anything to start again and right all of my wrongs, the sum of which have gotten us to where we are today, this awful place where not only have I lost myself, but the most important part of my life. You._

_I can't give up on us Tilly, I never thought love like this was possible, but it found me and inhabited my soul. Now that it has gone, the part of me that remains is a mere ruin._

_I'm going back to the beginning; I hope one day that you'll join me there. I will wait as long as it takes._

_I love you more than you will ever know._

_Forever yours_

_Jen x_

She wondered whether Tilly would realise the hidden meaning within the note. She hoped that it would be clear, but only time would tell. She folded it and put it along with the journal into an envelope, sealing her fate ready to put into Tilly's hands. She grabbed her bag and left the house.

It was cool outside, the temperature and freshness in the air being a welcome relief from the stuffy room she had been confined to for the past 2 days. Jen walked towards the village. Her feet were reluctant to carry her to begin with; a message relayed from her brain warned them that uncertainty lie ahead. But her brain was soon distracted by the beauty of the day. The last moments of the winter suns light striking trees and buildings creating gloomy, elongated shadows, before the spring sun makes a bid for a higher spot in the sky, creating shadows of a less intimidating nature. As she reached the village, she felt the aroma from College Coffee draw her in, it's invitation impossible to resist. Caffeine being a particular vice she could not and would not quit.

Jen walked through the entrance only for her heart to grind to a crashing halt simultaneously with her feet, both fear and love paralysing her instantly. She noticed her immediately, sat at the back, her head down, headphones hugging her ears keeping any outside noise at bay, her eyes focused intently on the book that rested open on the counter in front of her, one hand steadying the pages, the other wrapped delicately around a mug. Jen couldn't avert her eyes, the sight of the redhead capturing her within its magnetic force field, the attraction undeniable, her being the south to Jen's north. Jen's heart, with instructions from her brain, leapt back to life, forcing its way back to its rightful home at the front of her chest, its rhythm stronger and louder than ever before. Tilly looked so beautiful, Jen wanted to walk straight up to her, taker her head in her hands, look deeply into her breathtakingly perfect eyes and declare her love for her for the world to hear. She wanted to kiss her, the passion uncontrollably passing between their lips, the failures and heartbreak and emotional turmoil fading into an unrecognisable form in the distance. A couple entering the coffee shop and brushing past Jen interrupted her field of vision. She stumbled forward slightly, hoping that the paralysis that detained her was temporary as she was bound to draw the redhead's attention if she went hurtling to the ground. She caught her balance, and immediately rushed towards the stairs on the other side of the coffee shop. She contemplated turning around and exiting swiftly as if she'd never been there, but she couldn't bring herself to leave Tilly's presence, even if she was unaware of Jen's existence in the room.

Jen sat on a stool by the stairs. She could just see Tilly with her back to her through the railings; thankfully she was still engrossed in her book, oblivious to the world around her. Jen's stare was again held by the invisible force of the redhead. She wondered whether she might just go up to Tilly and hand her the envelope, but she knew that her presence wouldn't be welcomed, it may even cause a scene, which in turn would probably result in Tilly's refusal of Jen's offering. Failure wasn't an option she reminded herself. She sat, contemplating her next move. Maybe she could leave unnoticed and take the journal to Tilly's as planned. Just as she was conjuring up another idea she saw Tilly stir. Jen adjusted her position, trying to use the stairs to conceal her location. She tried to busy her eyes, worried that her intent stare would be felt by Tilly. She brought her bag to the table and pretended to sift through it discreetly, trying not to attract any attention. Out of the corner of her eye she watched as Tilly made her way to the counter at the front of the shop. Now was her chance, she presumed Tilly was ordering another coffee, her attention held by the barista behind the bar, Jen could leave the shop. Just as she got up to move, she heard Tilly's voice, stopping her in her tracks again. Her soft, inoffensive voice was like a song to Jen's ears, oh how she had missed that sound. Hypnotised again by the redhead Jen felt unable to move, but she knew as soon as Tilly turned to return to her seat, she would spot Jen. She didn't want them to meet like this; it wasn't the right time or place. Jen wanted their next meeting to be perfect. She knew where it was supposed to happen, and she clung to the hope that it would one day become a reality.

She forced herself to walk towards the exit. As she made her way out from the concealment of the stairs, she glanced briefly in Tilly's direction noticing that her attention was caught by the guy serving her. Jen glanced to where Tilly had been sitting. Her empty coffee mug, book and headphones protected the temporarily unoccupied chair from intruders. Before Jen realised what she was doing, her hand reached inside her bag and removed the enveloped. She rushed towards the vacated seat. Just before she reached her destination, she stumbled into a chair sticking out from its rightful place tucked under the table. The loud screech of the legs of the tiled floor was like switching a spotlight directly onto her. Stage fright ensued, she started to panic, her heart beating so fast she was sure she was on the verge of cardiac arrest. She snapped her head around, she didn't care who else had noticed her clumsy misfortune, as long as Tilly hadn't. Praying to whoever was listening, she pleaded that Tilly's attention would still be focused anywhere other than on her. She was safe, but she could see Tilly paying for her drink. There was no time. She ran the last few steps to the counter, dropped the envelope on top of the open book and headed for the door. She couldn't bring herself to look back in Tilly's direction again.


End file.
